The depression was more than atmospheric this week, with the average score faltering a paltry 3.47 and a top score staggering to an unimpressive 6!

As hurricane Gustav strikes Louisiana, Predictorship towers is just recovering from the turmoil of disastrous results. So turbulent was the scoring that among the few predictors cooking up a storm was our resident wild card Norma No Mates.

Norma was, in her usually cautious style, predictably tight-lipped about her against-all-odds change of fortune. Possibly a wise tactic, given that the over-optimistic Steve Dunlop (Benfica) anticipated delivering ‘the season’s biggest leap up the table’, only to turn in an unremarkable 4. However – emailing from a bar in the remote mountains of darkest Peru (while chewing on a marmalade sandwich…), does earn him the ‘most heroic attempt at posting a Predictorship score in the face of adversity award’.

Can anybody top that?

In fact, previous high fliers continue to flounder in the relegation zone:
Our resident ‘Stato’ and bronze medallist Matt White (Fenerbahce), by his own admission ‘struggling to get his faltering campaign into second gear’ (possibly as a result of early morning calls from newborn daughter Lara) struggles up one spot to 28. Meanwhile Mark Young, our Beijing correspondent, must be wishing that some of the medal-winning form he witnessed would rub off on his beloved Baggies. It can only be a matter of time, surely.

Nevertheless success must be celebrated, however slim, and congratulations go to Dave Taylor’s Chelsea for shimmying artfully past Chris Butters to the top of the pile with one of only two six point scores this week.

The ‘Predictors of the week’ have surprisingly plumped for Norma’s favourite 0-0 score: Simon Gold’s Tottenham (for Bolton v West Brom) and Pete Yoder’s Wolves (for Villa v Liverpool).

With little more that can be said after such an exhausting dip in form, we finish with some uplifting words from our ‘chairman’ David Roberts: ‘Play the percentages and don’t try do be too clever.’

Possibly something to chew on in the week to come…

Streaking ahead with gravity-defying form this week is ‘former Predictorship cup-winner’ Chris Butters. With an incredible four correct scores this weekend it looks like it’s going to take more than a little ‘smart-arsed, stat-fuelled clairvoyancy’, as predictor Nick Watson puts it, to make a bid for glory this year.

Training in the close season has obviously finely honed last year’s champion predictors, with three of last year’s top five finalists in the top five again: Dave Taylor and Saleel Sathe run out in impressive form, hauling in three correct scores each and keeping Chris within fouling distance. Arsene Wenger must be wondering why the training at Arsenal’s new facilities hasn’t borne similar fruit.

But the Gordon Brown handshake has to go to Nicola Savage, who not only scored with three correct results but is also one of this week’s two ‘Star Predictors’, correctly pulling out a 1-1 draw at Blackburn for Hull from her kit bag.

Our Mystic Meg award goes to John Collins for his Tottenham 1-2 Sunderland which, even at this early stage, must be in the running for the ‘Prediction of the Season’. “It was an obvious choice for an upset,” John reflected on hearing the final score, “following Spurs’ performance last week and Sunderland’s signing of Cisse” … or maybe that was just a lucky guess John!

However, with such searing insights to be had, the Blackburn Rover will be out and about this week hoping to prise a few more quotes and tips from our Predictorship high flyers.
You have been warned!

Report by the Blackburn Rover…

It’s week 1 in a whole new Predictorship season and along with the other retirements, transfers and signings in the closed season, the Nottingham Florist has hung up his ribbons and passed on his pinking shears to the Blackburn Rover. All your comments and contributions will be gratefully received for inclusion in the weekly summing up as the season progresses.

So without further ceremony (or small Chinese children syncing to the music)… on to the cut and thrust of the table.

Reflecting the impressive female medal tally in Beijing, the Predictorship ‘golden girls’ Hope Arnold and Chris Butters forge ahead with an impressive nine points each. But with little to separate the runners and riders in this first week, I won’t be betting my Jimmy Choos on who will be holding the two shiny cups aloft too early in the season.

It’s an impressive line up: not only do we have the regular high flyers (look at the numbers in brackets next to the names for last year’s positions…), we also have a scattering of celebrities in the 40-strong ‘seekers of glory’. Welcome to Mr ‘We are the Champions’ Roger Taylor, and also to Ralph Hannah (AKA Michael Fish); a name chosen because, according to Ralph, ‘he was a great forecaster’ (I’ll spare the puns on cooking up storms, ill winds etc….).

For those of you new to predicting, you should be aware of our two ‘ghost’ players: Mark Lawrenson and Norma No Mates. Mark’s predictions are from the BBC website each week, and Norma just registers 0–0 draws, so for anybody inclined to go with Mark or choose the later tactic, we’ll be on to you!

Our star ‘Predictors of the Week’ have started the season with some fine crystal ball gazing. Ted Warland correctly foresaw Bolton’s surprise 3-1 victory over Stoke after their near disastrous form last season. Rob Molloy put his faith in the Premiership virgins Hull, correctly predicting their 2-1 win over Fulham; I am almost embarrassed to mention my own tealeaf-tossing success seeing Chelsea triumphing impressively over Portsmouth (4–0). So the gauntlet has been thrown down… Let the games begin.

Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) 1-2 Tricky Trees (Alex Iskandar Liew)

In the end, it all came down to the width of a post.

The drama raged long before kick-off when both finalists nominated a 2-1 win for Portsmouth and, remarkably, they chose almost identical times for the time of the first goal – Suffolk-based Sally went for 22 minutes and Kuala Lumpur dweller Alex took a chance on 23 minutes.

Sally had one-and-a-half hands on the sparkling trophy when, in the 22nd minute of the final, Nwankwo Kanu wrong-footed a statuesque Cardiff City defender, rounded shot-stopper Peter Enckelman and hit the post with a tame effort. In the blink of an eye, Blackburn’s unbelievably precise grasp on the trophy disintegrated, and with Kanu’s 37th-minute winner, Tricky Trees claimed the prize as the Forest fan more accurately matched the time of the first goal.

As the Blackburn players sank to their weary knees at the final whistle, jubilant Tricky Trees manager Alex said: “It’s incredible what a difference one minute makes in the nutty game of football. One moment of sheer brilliance and we’re walking up the steps of Wembley.”

“A well-fought final and a worthy winner,” added a sporting Sally. “I can’t pretend I wasn’t prematurely punching the air when the rogue Nigerian hoofed it goal-wards in the 22nd minute – but that’s over-confidence for you!”

Congratulations Alex! Enjoy your year as holder of The Predictorship Cup.

The Predictorship Cup Roll of Honour

2005-06 - Millwall (John Collins)
2006-07 - Sheffield Wednesday (Janet Jones)
2007-08 - Tricky Trees (Alex Iskandar Liew)

Cup Final Fact …

In the 2007-08 season, Portsmouth won all 22 games in which they scored first.

On the very same weekend the legendary Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons stormed into the UK Top 40 with a greatest hits collection entitled Jersey’s Best, a man fitting that very description was busy wrapping up his second Predictorship title. Congratulations to Jersey United’s Mike Dufficy, who wears the 2007-08 Predictorship crown with 293 points.

Mike, an ever-present in the top five this season, has led the field since week 13 (the weekend of 27th & 28th October 2007) and also had one week at the top in week 5. In other words, he has been in pole position for 30 of this season’s 41 weeks, including the last 29 weeks consecutively. Such has been Mike’s dominance that only three other predictors have topped the table during the course of the season: John Collins (week 1), Maziar Sattari (weeks 2-3) and runner-up Dave Taylor (week 4 and weeks 6-12).

Even more remarkable is the fact that Mike has won the title without posting a weekly score of 11 or more. Rob Dimery (week 14) and Nick Watson (week 20), incidentally both founding members of GWR band The Infamous Grouse, recorded the best weekly scores of the season with 13. There were eight scores of 12, including an impressive double from Dave Taylor, and 24 people registered 11s, a score achieved twice by Dave McAleer, Wendy Nathan and Maziar Sattari.

“I’ve been asked that question for the last six months,” said Mike when harangued for a comment on his second league title in three seasons, quoting one of the “legends of English football” (his words not mine), Terry Venables. “It’s not fair to expect me to make such a fast decision on something that has been put upon me like that.” OK Mike, not to worry.

Furthermore, if you’re longing for a useful tip from a seasoned Predictorship maestro on how to find some inspiration for those weekly predictions, you’d do well to heed Mike’s sound advice (which again is a Venablesism): “It may have been going wide, but nevertheless it was a great shot on target.” In other words, we should all predict 10 0-0s from now on.

Mike, who finishes nine points clear of Dave Taylor and 12 points ahead of Matthew White (whose only crumb of comfort is the season’s finest collection of correct results, 240), also has three joint ‘Prediction of the Week’ accolades to his name: Manchester City 1-0 Manchester United in week 2, West Ham 3-1 Sunderland in week 11 and Middlesbrough 1-2 West Ham in week 20.

Mike joins Steven Dunlop, who guided Sporting Charleroi to the title in 2002-03 and 2004-05 before switching allegiance to Benfica, as the only two-time winner of The Predictorship. Mike, as you might recall, won his first league title (2005-06) after throwing in the towel at Everton and taking the top job at Jersey United, a move that now seems as smart as Steve Bruce’s defection from Birmingham to Wigan.

The Predictorship Roll of Honour

1999-2000 - Stewart Newport (Queens Park Rangers)
2000-01 - Gabe Bevilacqua (Philadelphia Eagles)
2001-02 - David Roberts (Watford)
2002-03 - Steven Dunlop (Sporting Charleroi)
2003-04 - Janet Jones (Sheffield Wednesday)
2004-05 - Steven Dunlop (Sporting Charleroi)
2005-06 - Mike Dufficy (Jersey United)
2006-07 - Christine Butters (Manchester City)
2007-08 - Mike Dufficy (Jersey United)

The antiquated and overtly sexist ‘Top Female’ accolade went right down to the wire. Christine Butters – who relinquishes her title-holding status this week – and Cathryn Harker both finish on 275 points but Christine claims the prize courtesy of four more correct scores and out-scoring the Clapton F.C.’er by six points to five in week 41. Jill Taylor (7th), Sally Moon (9th) and Wendy Nathan (10th) ensure that half of the top 10 predictors are female. Who said football was a male-dominated sport? Forget the ‘Yorkie – Not for Girls’ slogan and mark these shocking words: ‘The Predictorship – Not for Boys’. Or it soon will be.

Congratulations also go to another lady, Anuradha Shenoy, who is the highest-placed rookie in 12th, ahead of Mark Lawrenson in 15th. Fellow newcomers Ben Wallis (26th), Iain Starr (34th) and the Wallers, Marion (36th) and Gary (39th), didn’t fare quite so well, but hopefully they’ll be back for another stab at Predictorship glory next season.

For more stats than you can shake an extremely large stick at, delve into The Nottingham Florist’s painstakingly-compiled and appropriately-titled Predictorship Stats 2007-08 spreadsheet, distributed free of charge with this week’s table. In the meantime, cast your eyes over this little lot …

Most Weeks at Top: 30 - Mike Dufficy; 8 - Dave Taylor
Most Weeks at Bottom: 27 - Norma No Mates; 6 - Neil Hayes
Highest Weekly Score: 13 - Rob Dimery and Nick Watson
Lowest Weekly Score: 0 - Norma No Mates (x3) and Gary Waller
Most Weeks in Top 5: 41 - Mike Dufficy; 38 - Dave Taylor
Most Weeks in Bottom 5: 37 - Norma No Mates; 35 - James Bradley
Most Consecutive Weeks Without Submitting Scores: 18 - Neil Hayes; 16 - Stewart Newport
Most Yellow Cards: 20 - Neil Hayes and Stewart Newport
Most Red Cards: 9 - Neil Hayes; 8 - Stewart Newport
Most ‘Predictions of the Week’: 10 - Marion Waller; 7 - Rob Molloy; 6 - Wendy Nathan, Ted Warland and Michael Whitty; 5 - Sally Moon and Ben Wallis

The Predictorship Cup …

The Predictorship Cup final takes place this weekend, 17th May, along with the not-half-as-interesting FA Cup final between Cardiff City and Portsmouth. Sally Moon’s Blackburn Rovers take on Alex Iskandar Liew’s Tricky Trees in the sold out showpiece. Sally finished ninth in the league campaign, eight points and four places better off than Alex, but you might as well rip the form book to shreds because Alex is the form predictor going into the final after scoring eight points last weekend. However, league form counts for absolutely nothing in the Cup, so find another form book and rip that one to shreds too (if you still have any strength left). Basically, it’s as open as the Derby County defence, but one thing is for sure: one of them will join John Collins’ Millwall and Janet Jones’ Sheffield Wednesday on the honours board come Saturday evening.

Sally, Alex, listen up! What we need from you is a full-time score for Cardiff v Portsmouth (be that after 90 minutes or extra time) and your estimation of the time of the first goal. As per usual Predictorship rules, you get one point for a correct result and another point for a correct score. In the event of a draw, the winner will be the person who most accurately predicts the time of the first goal (0-120 minutes). Note: the Cup will NOT be decided on who has the nearest prediction to the actual result should you both predict the same winner but a different scoreline (i.e. if the result is 5-0 to Portsmouth, 3-0 is not superior to 2-0). If you both predict the same result and there are no goals in the final (which is one of your options), then Predictorship HQ will panic, phone a friend (probably Sir Trev) and decide what the heck to do next.

Please send your score and first goal predictions to both David Roberts and mattwhite03@hotmail.com by 1pm on Saturday. Good luck to you both and may the best woman/man win.

Premier League Results (Week 41): Birmingham 4-1 Blackburn (0); Chelsea 1-1 Bolton (1); Derby 0-4 Reading (0); Everton 3-1 Newcastle (1); Middlesbrough 8-1 Manchester City (0); Portsmouth 0-1 Fulham (3); Sunderland 0-1 Arsenal (8); Tottenham 0-2 Liverpool (0); West Ham 2-2 Aston Villa (3); Wigan 0-2 Manchester United (9).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 41): 8 – Hope Arnold, Alex Iskandar Liew, Steve McHugh, Nick Watson and Michael Whitty.
Average Score (Week 41): 5.32.
Prediction of the Week (Week 41): Late ‘Prediction of the Season’ contenders from Rob Molloy (Chelsea 1-1 Bolton) and Mark Young (Everton 3-1 Newcastle).

Top of the Table (Week 41):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 293 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 284 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 281 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 280 pts
5. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 275 pts
6. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 275 pts
7. Dartmoor Rovers (Jill Taylor) – 270 pts
8. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 269 pts
9. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 267 pts
10. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 267 pts

Wanted! A last desperate plea for end-of-season Predictorship tables from before the 2004-05 season to help The Nottingham Florist compile an all-encompassing table of tables, charting the hot shots and the flops since 1999-2000. Where will you be in the all-time league?

‘Prediction of the Season’ … Don’t forget to register your selection for ‘Prediction of the Season’ (see last week’s column for details). The result will be announced after this weekend’s Predictorship Cup final …

Iain Starr carved out a large chunk of Predictorship history this week by predicting a combined goal tally of 2,169 for the 10 games, including a preposterous and quite frankly laughable 1-1 draw at the Riverside between Middlesbrough and Manchester City. Here are Iain’s 10 predictions, which come with a liberal sprinkling of gold stars for sheer entertainment value and three points for his faltering league campaign:

Birmingham 17-35 Blackburn; Chelsea 6-6 Bolton; Derby 34-0 Reading; Everton 0-99 Newcastle; Middlesbrough 1-1 Manchester City, Portsmouth 33-33 Fulham; Sunderland 0-1,893 Arsenal; Tottenham 0-0 Liverpool; West Ham 2-4 Aston Villa; Wigan 2-3 Manchester United.

Quote of the Week …

“Iain Starr has just gone plain mad!” – David Roberts

So there you have it. Just like Zoom Bakayogo, released by Millwall, and Edrissa Sonko, shunned by Walsall, it’s time to get out of here and find a new club. The Nottingham Florist sincerely hopes that he’s entertained and, at selected times, amused you during the course of the last two seasons, and maybe even awoken your inner statistical beast. Thanks for the memories.

The irrepressible Mike Dufficy stands on the brink of Predictorship immortality.

In the 40th and penultimate week of the season, Mike has a 10-point lead over Dave Taylor. As any mathematician worth his salt will tell you, it means the Channel Islander needs 11 points to secure his second league title in three seasons, and that’s on the ridiculous assumption that Dave bags a record-shattering 20-point maximum next week (which he won’t). If the title does go to London, I’ll eat my hat, grab a Chelsea flag and streak naked through the streets of Bury St. Edmunds during the rush hour.

Dave’s spirited but ultimately futile attempt to make a contest of a title race that was effectively decided light years ago brings him a second 12 of the season (his first was in week 9), a score made possible by 1-0 wins for Arsenal, Liverpool and Tottenham. Christine Butters, whose previous best this season was 11 points in week 20, matches Dave’s dozen with maximum points for 2-0 wins for Chelsea, Fulham and Middlesbrough. Both Christine and Dave rack up NINE correct results (the only game that eluded them, and everyone else bar predicting wizardess Marion Waller, was Wigan’s shocking victory at Aston Villa).

Jill Taylor, otherwise known as Dave’s other half, and Mark Lawrenson, Alan Hansen’s other half on ‘Match of the Day’, both record 11s. Jill, the only upwardly mobile predictor in the top 13, makes a triumphant return to the top 10 in 8th, her highest placing of the season. Fourth-placed Saleel Sathe, Nick Watson and Joe Zalewski each find the back of the net 10 times. Nick and Trevor Morris are the second and third predictors this week to reach a new seasonal high – 16th and 28th respectively.

In stark contrast, Norma No Mates, the Derby County of The Predictorship, fires a blank as all 10 fixtures are decided one way or the other. You’ll easily spot the other players who failed to turn up for duty this week. They include Stewart Newport, AWOL for a 15th consecutive week and perilously close to expulsion after his 19th yellow card of the season. (You get your marching orders after 20 yellow cards, a rule that will be more stringent next season.) Stewart will, however, be spared the ultimate humiliation as the end of the season is nigh.

Prediction of the Season …

Once again we need your help to determine the destination of the prestigious ‘Prediction of the Season’ award. Simply make your selection from the 20 beauties below (all of them unique correct score predictions for the given week), either by leaving a reply to this post or by e-mailing mattwhite03@hotmail.com. You CAN vote for your own prediction if you wish. The result will be announced after the Predictorship Cup final on 17th May, so please get voting!

1. Week 2: Dave McAleer (Portsmouth 3-1 Bolton)
* A four-goal gem in an otherwise abysmal week of predicting (average 4.43)
2. Week 6: Gary Waller (Derby 1-0 Newcastle)
* A solitary win for the Rams this season. Here it is
3. Week 9: Ted Warland (Liverpool 2-2 Tottenham)
* Fortress Anfield breached twice by Robbie Keane
4. Week 9: Simon Gold (Newcastle 3-2 Everton)
* When are Everton ever involved in five-goal thrillers, home or away?
5. Week 10: Christine Butters (Scotland 3-1 Ukraine)
* McCulloch, McFadden, Miller: Scotland run riot at Hampden Park!
6. Week 10: Matthew White (Faroe Islands 0-6 France)
* Six for Les Bleurrrgh, but just one for the man Henry
7. Week 10: Simon Gold (Denmark 1-3 Spain)
* The third international barnstormer of the week
8. Week 12: Wendy Nathan (Manchester United 4-1 Middlesbrough)
* A subtle variation on the week 11 result Aston Villa 1-4 Manchester United
9. Week 16: Gary Waller (Bolton 1-0 Manchester United)
* Gary bravely opts out of a Man. Utd. win against vastly inferior opposition
10. Week 17: Rob Molloy (Liverpool 4-0 Bolton)
* Is that the same Bolton who beat Manchester United in week 16?
11. Week 23: Sally Moon (Huddersfield 2-1 Birmingham)
* League 1 downs Premier League basement boys in the FA Cup
12. Week 27: Marion Waller (Manchester City 1-3 Arsenal)
* Predicting queen strikes gold. No more cries of 1-0 to the Arsenal
13. Week 28: Gary Waller (Manchester United 1-2 Manchester City)
* City beat United at Old Trafford in the Manchester derby. Well I never!
14. Week 30: John Collins (Birmingham 2-2 Arsenal)
* Premier League no-hopers stick it to title contenders – almost
15. Week 30: Janet Jones (Liverpool 3-2 Middlesbrough)
* Reds down an impotent Middlesbrough at Anfield – but only just
16. Week 31: Rob Molloy (Bolton 1-3 Liverpool)
* Purple patch for Molloy as he monopolises ‘Prediction of the Week’
17. Week 32: Rob Molloy (Middlesbrough 0-2 Cardiff)
* Championship side cruise to Cup victory against a woeful ‘Boro
18. Week 32: Joe Zalewski (Barnsley 1-0 Chelsea)
* You needed balls of steel to back the Yorkshiremen in this one
19. Week 35: Marion Waller (Bolton 2-3 Arsenal)
* One of the best games of the season. Of course it had to be Marion Waller!
20. Week 35: Mark Lawrenson (Derby 2-2 Fulham)
* Hands up those who thought it would be a boring 0-0 draw

Premier League Results (Week 40): Aston Villa 0-2 Wigan (0); Blackburn 3-1 Derby (3); Bolton 2-0 Sunderland (2); Fulham 2-0 Birmingham (3); Manchester United 4-1 West Ham (0); Middlesbrough 2-0 Portsmouth (3); Reading 0-1 Tottenham (3); Arsenal 1-0 Everton (6); Liverpool 1-0 Manchester City (8); Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea (8).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 40): 12 – Christine Butters and Dave Taylor.
Average Score (Week 40): 7.26.
Prediction of the Week (Week 40): Hope Arnold, Simon Gold and Wendy Nathan (Blackburn 3-1 Derby); Marion Waller (Aston Villa 1-2 Wigan).

Top of the Table (Week 40):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 288 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 278 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 275 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 273 pts
5. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 270 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 269 pts
7. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 265 pts
8. Dartmoor Rovers (Jill Taylor) – 263 pts
9. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 262 pts
10. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 261 pts

Thirty-nine players, 168 points, five draws, 36 goals. Don’t bother working out the average score. It was surely the worst week of scoring in the history of The Predictorship, and a handful of predictors are thanking their lucky stars that Sunderland and Arsenal chalked up wins to save them from the embarrassment of all embarrassments – a blank score sheet.

Still, it could have been far worse. A computer malfunction at Predictorship HQ could have spelt D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R for the competition and had us all registering big fat zeros for week 39. Fortunately, at the 11th hour, common sense prevailed and our predictions returned from their unscheduled trip into hyperspace. They might as well not have bothered. Indeed, the average score this week, for anyone disobedient enough to ignore my request in the first paragraph, was a pathetic 4.3 (which, incidentally, is about the score Didier Drogba would get for artistic merit had a panel of judges been marking his most recent collection of dives).

The few players who found a modicum of success this week scattered a plentiful number of draws amongst their 10 predictions – or all 10 predictions in the case of a highly perceptive Southampton fan called Tom Palmer. Tom’s unprecedented scorecard furnished him with six points, including a well-earned maximum for Everton 2 Aston Villa 2, but there was even better to come …

Crystal Palace follower Dave McAleer recorded a remarkable nine points, aided by Chelsea 2 Manchester United 1 and Tottenham 1 Bolton 1, and Rob Molloy claimed eight points courtesy of three correct scores, a number matched only by Ted Warland, whose seven points was matched only by John Collins and fast-finishing Liverpool Lawro gaffer Mark Lawrenson. Right, that’s enough matching for this week. Now for something completely different …

Regrettably, after two seasons of facts, figures, fun and indeed frolics on FC Camena, The Nottingham Florist will vacate the position of Predictorship scribe at the end of the season. Would anybody like to step into his size 10-and-a-half boots? If you’re interested in writing a weekly (or bi-weekly?) column from the start of next season, please send your CV to Predictorship chairman David Roberts, together with a covering letter specifying your current income and relevant qualifications and, while you’re at it, why not submit a 1,000-word article saying why, in your opinion, The Predictorship is so damn good. If there are no takers, then sadly The Predictorship will return to the days of yore, when just a hearty bowl of broth, a juicy orange and a league table sufficed.

Premier League Results (Week 39): Birmingham 2-2 Liverpool (0); Chelsea 2-1 Manchester United (7); Manchester City 2-3 Fulham (0); Sunderland 3-2 Middlesbrough (0); Tottenham 1-1 Bolton (5); West Ham 2-2 Newcastle (3); Wigan 0-0 Reading (3); Everton 2-2 Aston Villa (5); Portsmouth 0-1 Blackburn (4); Derby 2-6 Arsenal (0).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 39): 9 – Dave McAleer.
Average Score (Week 39): 4.30.
Prediction of the Week (Week 39): Nigel Birrell, John Collins, Cathryn Harker and Steve McHugh (Portsmouth 0-1 Blackburn).

Top of the Table (Week 39):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 280 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 266 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 266 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 263 pts
5. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 263 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 257 pts
7. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 256 pts
8. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 255 pts
9. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 255 pts
10. Benfica (Steven Dunlop) – 254 pts

Question of the Week …

What links teams that were relegated out of the Football League in 1993, 2002, 2003, 2006 and 2008? Answer at the bottom of the page.

Quotes of the Week …

Following “court jester” and former BBC pundit Ian Wright’s ranting and raving (see last week’s column), here are a few ‘Wrightisms’ from the man himself:

* “It took a lot of bottle for Tony Adams to own up to alcoholism”

* “I don’t make predictions. I never have done and never will do” (So you don’t want to be our guest predictor next season then Wrighty?)

* “You’ve got to take the rough with the smooth. It’s like love and hate, war and peace, all that b*******”

‘Question of the Week’ answer: the letter ‘X’ – Halifax Town (1993 and 2002), Exeter City (2003), Oxford United (2006) and Wrexham (2008). Could Crewe Alexandra be next?

Earlier in the season it was ‘Rob’ week in The Predictorship. Now we celebrate ‘Steve’ week as Messrs Dunlop and McHugh each fire in a round dozen.

By his own admission, Steven Dunlop had a miserable week before his Predictorship pick-me-up. He watched with jaw-dropping dismay as his beloved Benfica lost by the odd goal or two in eight in the Portuguese Cup at the grubby hands of arch-rivals Sporting Lisbon, although the spectacle was sportingly described by Steven as the “best match I’ve seen in Portugal”.

But what a difference a weekend makes. After “hovering outside the top 10” for much of the campaign, Steven lunges into the aforementioned 10 for the very first time this season with 12 points, consisting of a mighty FOUR correct scores for the two-goal action at each of the homes of Arsenal, Fulham, Wigan and Newcastle. Steven replaces Dartmoor Rover Jill Taylor in the top 10, surprisingly the only positional change in the top portion of the league this week.

Substitute Newcastle for Blackburn and you stumble across the lofty exploits of Steve McHugh, whose profitable 12-point week culminates in a three place leap up the table to 25th and promotion to League 1 for his boys, Peterborough United, and their cop-bothering gaffer Darren Ferguson, son of gum-chewing-with-mouth-open Manchester United boss Sir Alex.

The Steves were given a run for their proverbial money in this high-scoring week (average 7.73) by 11s for Rob Molloy, Michael Whitty and Nick Watson. News has reached Predictorship HQ that Nick and fellow forecaster Rob “Dimmo” Dimery have been engaging in some extra-curricular activities of late, culminating in the first ever live performance by the GWR house band, The Infamous Grouse. “We redefined the boundaries of pub rock,” claimed Nick. Only he and “Dimmo” know the truth …

Mike Dufficy, who now rests his back on a 15-point cushion atop the league table, Predictorship Cup finalist Sally Moon and “end of season nothing to play for candidate” Mark Young, who’s about to celebrate West Brom’s highly-anticipated return to the top flight of English football, all amass 10 points. Well done all round.

Premier League Results (Week 38): Arsenal 2-0 Reading (15); Blackburn 1-1 Manchester United (6); Fulham 0-2 Liverpool (9); Middlesbrough 0-1 Bolton (0); West Ham 2-1 Derby (2); Wigan 1-1 Tottenham (12); Aston Villa 5-1 Birmingham (0); Manchester City 3-1 Portsmouth (0); Newcastle 2-0 Sunderland (6); Scottish Premier League Result (Week 38): Celtic 1-0 Aberdeen (4).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 38): 12 – Steven Dunlop and Steve McHugh.
Average Score (Week 38): 7.73.
Prediction of the Week (Week 38): Dave McAleer, Steve McHugh, Rob Molloy, Sally Moon, Michael Whitty and Mark Young (Blackburn 1-1 Manchester United).

Top of the Table (Week 38):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 278 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 263 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 262 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 259 pts
5. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 257 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 254 pts
7. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 253 pts
8. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 251 pts
9. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 250 pts
10. Benfica (Steven Dunlop) – 249 pts

Question of the Week …

Following the success, or otherwise, of last week’s ‘Question of the Week’ feature, here’s another poser to let your brain cells loose on. According to ‘Match of the Day’, which veteran striker has NEVER lost a Premier League match in which he’s scored? Answer at the bottom of the page.

Rant of the Week …

No, not Chelsea’s constant chirping at having to play two Premier League games in three days (poor darlings - Liverpool had to play a Premier League fixture on Saturday (not Thursday), three days (not five) before their Champions League semi-final against, er, oh that’s right, Chelsea), this week’s ‘Rant of the Week’ belongs to former Arsenal forward Ian Wright, who was gunning for the BBC – his now former employer – when he quit ‘Match of the Day’ last week for a career on TalkSport and as host of the soon-to-be-revamped ‘Gladiators’:

“I don’t know how long young people are going to want to sit down and watch that same old ‘jacket, shirt and tie’ format,” argued Wright. “I feel like I’m just there as a comedy jester to break the ice with Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen, who just do run-of-the-mill things. I can’t do that anymore. People want something different.”

‘Question of the Week’ answer: Darius Vassell.

I can exclusively reveal that Sally Moon’s Blackburn Rovers will do battle with Alex Iskandar Liew’s Tricky Trees in the final of The Predictorship Cup on Saturday, 17th May.

Sally’s Rovers put paid to an all-Nottingham Forest final with a 5-3 semi-final replay win over Matthew White’s band of merry men, picking up maximum points for Manchester United 2 Arsenal 1 and a surprise bonus point for predicting a Fulham win at Reading with her “last minute” selections.

“That’s great,” confirmed an elated Sally to the beaten semi-finalists. “It’s good to have some cheery news. It must have been the training at Ewood (Park) that did it, probably led your boys astray.” (Forest had a vigorous training session in Blackburn the night before the big re-match.)

In the league, it’s déjà vu all over again for the leading predictors, who collectively fail to press home their superiority with some outlandish mediocrity. Still, Mike Dufficy’s five points are enough to extend his title-winning lead to 12 points and bring up his 25th consecutive week at the helm. Dave Taylor (4 points), Matthew White (3), Saleel Sathe (5) and Christine Butters (3) are powerless to loosen Mike’s grip on the trophy, although Cathryn Harker bursts into the top five with a respectable seven points.

Ted Warland returns to the top 20 for the first time in yonks courtesy of week 37’s top score, nine points. “Like Arsenal, I’m only playing for the honour now,” revealed Ted when submitting his predictions. Consider yourself well and truly honoured, Mr Warland.

Nearly everyone who’s anyone this week bagged two points for Birmingham 1 Everton 1, and Ted – whose other spot-on prediction was the game at Old Trafford – was given a run for his honour by eight-pointers from Dave McAleer, Nick Watson, Michael Whitty and Anuradha Shenoy, who had the audacity to pick a seismic three correct scores from the ruins of this wretched week.

Premier League Results (Week 37): Birmingham 1-1 Everton (13); Bolton 1-0 West Ham (7); Derby 0-6 Aston Villa (0); Portsmouth 0-0 Newcastle (1); Reading 0-2 Fulham (0); Sunderland 1-2 Manchester City (2); Tottenham 1-1 Middlesbrough (4); Liverpool 3-1 Blackburn (3); Manchester United 2-1 Arsenal (9); Chelsea 1-1 Wigan (0).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 37): 9 – Ted Warland.
Average Score (Week 37): 4.95.
Prediction of the Week (Week 37): Trevor Morris, Wendy Nathan and Michael Whitty (Liverpool 3-1 Blackburn); Nicola Savage and Iain Starr (Sunderland 1-2 Manchester City).

Top of the Table (Week 37):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 268 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 256 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 254 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 251 pts
5. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 248 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 247 pts
7. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 243 pts
8. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 243 pts
9. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 242 pts
10. Dartmoor Rovers (Jill Taylor) – 240 pts

Question of the Week …

Which former Welsh international and Manchester United trainee has turned out for Crewe Alexandra, Leicester City, Birmingham City, Blackburn Rovers and Derby County but has never played in the Championship? Answer at the bottom of the page.

Quotes of the Week …

“Ooh, that looks like a dislocated finger for Kevin Davies. That’s a real man, isn’t it? (He) turns away as the physio straightens it for him, and there’s barely a flinch” – Match of the Day’s Tony Gubba, Bolton v West Ham.

“I think we can safely say that the game is over” – Match of the Day’s master of the understatement, Ian Gwyn Hughes, Derby v Aston Villa, immediately after Villa striker Marlon Harewood makes it 6-0 to the visitors.

‘Question of the Week’ answer: Robbie Savage.

Alex Iskandar Liew’s Tricky Trees (if you can’t see the wood for the trees, it’s a reference to the mighty Nottingham Forest) are the first team to book a date at the brand spanking new Wembley following a tense 7-6 win over Hope Arnold’s Everton in the Predictorship Cup semi-finals. Up the Trees!

Alex’s charges are still waiting to find out who they’ll face in the showpiece final after the “Battle of Suffolk” between Matthew White’s Nottingham Forest and Sally Moon’s Blackburn Rovers finished all square at 8-8. The replay is wheeled out at Ewood Park this weekend.

Alex was so desperate to lead his team out on to Wembley’s hallowed turf that he even offered up an 11th prediction, Manchester City 0 Chelsea 2, when he spotted that the game had been puzzlingly omitted from last weekend’s fixture card to make way for the two FA Cup semi-finals. Quite how the City v Chelsea game got overlooked in favour of Wigan v Birmingham or Fulham v Sunderland is a mystery, but to question the fixture compiler would be as unwise as a two-footed lunge on a referee or player of your choice, wearing boots with six-inch blades for studs.

The Predictorship Cup Semi-Finals

1. NOTTINGHAM FOREST (Matthew White) (3) 8-8 BLACKBURN ROVERS (Sally Moon) (8)
2. TRICKY TREES (Alex Iskandar Liew) (14) 7-6 EVERTON (Hope Arnold) (15)

* Figures in brackets show current league position.

Now back to the humdrum of the league, where Mike Dufficy’s lead over Dave Taylor now stands at 11 points. With just five weeks of the season left, the chances of Dave, third-placed Matthew White or a rallying, fourth-placed Saleel Sathe catching the Channel-Islander are, like Jersey off the coast of southern England, somewhat remote.

Saleel climbs to a seasonal high thanks to 10 points, which includes maximum points for the FA Cup semi-finals. Nicola ‘more than the average’ Savage, who recently flew the GWR nest in search of pastures new, also nets an impressive 10 points, a total that features the two-point ripsnorters Portsmouth 1 West Brom 0 and Blackburn 1 Tottenham 1.

Maziar Sattari is one place and four points off a top 10 berth after collecting nine points, featuring correct results for the Portsmouth, Blackburn and Everton games.

Finally, some early publicity for our annual ‘Prediction of the Season’ jamboree. The runners and riders will be posted right here before the curtain falls on another campaign. Get ready to cast your vote!

FA Cup Semi-Final Results (Week 36): Portsmouth 1-0 West Brom (5); Barnsley 0-1 Cardiff (7); Premier League Results (Week 36): Arsenal 1-1 Liverpool (4); Aston Villa 4-0 Bolton (0); Blackburn 1-1 Tottenham (10); Fulham 1-3 Sunderland (0); Newcastle 3-0 Reading (2); Wigan 2-0 Birmingham (2); Everton 1-0 Derby (5); Middlesbrough 2-2 Manchester United (2).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 36): 10 – Saleel Sathe and Nicola Savage.
Average Score (Week 36): 6.46.
Prediction of the Week (Week 36): Ben Wallis and Ted Warland (Middlesbrough 2-2 Manchester United).

Top of the Table (Week 36):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 263 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 252 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 251 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 246 pts
5. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 244 pts
6. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 241 pts
7. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 239 pts
8. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 238 pts
9. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 238 pts
10. Dartmoor Rovers (Jill Taylor) – 236 pts